Disgusted

I do not think I am an obsessive person when it comes to weight, personally I love curves. But every time it rolls around this year I cant help to get frantic when it comes to my appearance. I have just one month to kick my butt into shape but it takes so much effort! Tonight I had to take picture for a project and It had to be a little revealing in a bathing suit, and as I looked through the pictures I just kept clicking "delete, delete, delete". It it quite ironic that I did my final project on self image, and my exact quote was "love is beauty". Well I do not love myself very much right now, so I guess I feel that I just don't look beautiful. No way am I going to go starve myself because I absolutely love food way to much, but I can probably use less of it enter my big mouth. So only solution is, gym everyday!

There is no title for this one...

It is crazy how one person can change your life but life and time has not been affected by their absence. The loss of my grandfather changed me and the way I view life is so different, at the same time my heart just always has a void that it feels like the world has been separated into halves. The day he died changed me forever but the world still goes round and continues the same as the last but I do not. He made no difference to the world but he made a difference to mine. Five years gone but I forgot to celebrate the time he was here. I live life like the world just continued. It is a strange thing death and it is so funny I wrote this today on Easter the day of Jesus being resurrected but in two days will be the day I lost someone and it just is odd how I go for celebrating a new life to that. It makes me sad that he is not physically here because I became someone new and I am growing up and finding love and in the future will hopefully be graduation from college, successful job, marriage, and a beautiful child. Though I believe he will see my many accomplishments we all know it is not the same. I began to think of him now as my angel or guardian; because like Jesus I do believe he is there to watch over me. I am sure they are great pals; he was a great man, the best even. I can talk about him now without crying but I still get choked up sometimes. Five years seems like a long time ago but the pain is a fresh the bruise I have on my leg. So here is to a Happy Easter followed by what was a life changing moment. Time continued but I was never up for the ride.

There is no place like home

There is nothing like coming home when you been gone for a while. I live in Brooklyn but dorm here in Staten Island at St Johns and it is crazy that the separation of a bridge keeps me away for so long. I guess between the mix of my social life and just busy school time I just can't find time. But when I finally do make it home, it makes it so hard to want to go back. You know there is a time limit on how long you will be home for before you leave you family and nice home cooked meal. One positive of not living home, when you argue with your parents you don't have to face them for as long as you want. Yet all the anger I can hold does not replace to emptiness you feel when your loved ones are not around. Being home fills you up with comfort and happiness and appreciation for everything around you (I also can do laundry haha). Though I love being with friends and away, it is always good to go home again.

Is it better to be loved or hated?

Of course your obvious answer would be love, or maybe most normal people wouldn’t mind to be loved or admired from time to time. Yet for me I feel a little different. This week I went away with friends to my house in the Poconos. It seems that every time we go it just keeps getting worse. The first time I went up with this particular group of friends I had the time of my life, the second time was a lot of fun too but from there it just went down hill. This time I was so fed up with my house and me being disrespected that I gave a little speech that went something like “I am not cleaning up your shit all day, this is my house you should respect it, if you can not clean up after yourself then pack up and leave” I then lifted up the garbage pale and said “this is a garbage pale use it”. It went over very well after that, everyone kept up with their share of stuff. Later that night as we partied up a little the guys starting to crack jokes about what I asked of them, I also then found out from my boyfriend that the they were complaining that I was being such a bitch. I confronted them about it because I have every right to say what I want in my own house. It is not some vacation spot where people just come and dump crap on me and expect it to be cleaned. The girls I go away with lost the meaning of going away together was about, all they worried about now was if they got a bed room with their boyfriend. So I gained some respect (or they probably just did not want to hear me yell again) and people did not like the fact I would open my mouth and voice how I feel, it is the type of person I am and I get the same reaction every time, that I am a bitch (and I am totally cool with that). All I can say is that this whole get away will not be happening again.

V-day should be everyday

This passed Sunday was valentines day, the day of love. All of my friends who did not have a significant other to share his fake holiday with boycotted against it, with rage and hate. I fortunately on the other hand had a valentine this year, after the disaster of a stood up date last year. Though I was on the other side this year I did not parade around, rubbing it in other faces, nor did I feel like I was so lucky. The one thing I did feel was love, and not just from or for my boyfriend, but pure happiness and love.

It was a beautiful day out on Sunday and as I drove into Brooklyn I had my windows down and my sun roof open and I felt the sun heat beating on my head, I had music on of one of my favorite Cd's, and I just felt alive! Just everything about that day I felt like this feeling was just perfect. I was on the way home to see my parents because they came home from vacation and I missed them terrible, and that's love. I thought of all my friends and how happy they make me and the good times we share,that's love. I thought of my grandfather who passed away and from the blue sky, and the hot sun on me, I felt his love all around me.

It doesn't take a valentine to make you feel appreciated but it is the people around you that truly care and love you everyday. I try and let people in my life know how much I care all the time, not just this day of love.

I am not a real religious person but in my theology class, one of the things my professor said during a lecture was one way we can prove there is a God is through love and beauty. Everything about Sunday just made me think about that, I stood outside my house and just closed my eyes and let the sun shine on me and I felt love from everywhere and everyone. I feel that on your worst days if you feel blue, you should just go outside and just take in the beauty around us and just think of how fortunate we are, and not just one day a year.

Its every wo-man for themseleves

A year ago I walked the halls of Meet the Greeks, and bounced between room to room just trying to get a feel of what sororities were all about. With nine sororities, the only thing in common is the fact they are all human-females.(Well maybe more so then others lol). To me the act of trying to get girls to pledge was kind of like being in a brothel, and last night was the first night of Round Robin. I am on the other side trying to suck up innocent freshman girls to pledge,of course my opinion, the best sorority..mine! Back to my brothel reference my exact quote last night was " I feel like whoring myself". It is hard to try to prove to groups of girls why we are so much better then the next when all you get in 15 minutes to talk. Another hard thing about it is when other sororities bad mouth you. I just don't understand people. This is not a life or death situation to try get as many girls as possible,and to go so low to talk "smack" is just pathetic. I will not name names but I just pity the girls who said it because these girls are just the ghost of sororities past and formed one over controlling,manipulative group of hormonal,emotional girls.

Though it is hard to recruit girls, when I was looking to pledge it was an easy decision when I found where I was meant to be. I heard it said that sororities are a waste of time, but I could not disagree more, because I made the best memories that will last a lifetime. I also heard that sorority girls are selfish, sloppy, and just pure evil but this is another thing that is just not true, because I never see more affection and received more support from people then my sisters. We build up the pieces of each other lives that have been knocked. I love my sorority,hence why I pledged, and really hence why I didn't pledge that other mean sorority (now I am just doing that to be annoying). I do not discriminate against other sororities,because like me, those girls found where they belong.I am sure they love each other ,the way I love my sisters.

I am just looking forward to the end of this very stressful recruitment period!